B'rit Ahuvim - A Wedding Between Equals

[For deeper study, we urge you to consult chapter 5 of Engendering Judaism by Rachel Adler, The Jewish Publication Society, Philadelphia, 1998. Page numbers below refer to this book.]

You always wanted a traditional Jewish wedding, with all the trappings, ketubah, huppah, the ancient vows of "Harai at mikudeshet li" until you found out what it meant! There really is no honest way around it; the traditional Jewish wedding is a legal ceremony in which the man purchases the woman.

Despite our modern attempts to make it egalitarian, kiddushin remains a ritual of possession in which the bride is acquired by a declaration of exclusive possession (kiddushin) and a ring.

Even if a mutual exchange of rings takes place, which according to Talmudic tractate Kiddushin 3a, 6b is not legally acceptable, the ceremony still is problematic because it commodifies human beings. The wedding ceremony is based on Talmudic property law dealing with the acquisition of chattel. Egads!

We owe thanks to Dr. Rachel Adler, a leading theologian, who has developed the ceremony of B'rit Ahuvim, in which bride and groom declare their covenantal intention to enter into a partnership as loving companions. The ceremony is based on partnership law of the Talmud, rather than property law.

A marriage counselor once remarked that the perfect symbol for a healthy marriage is the semicolon. The semicolon allows two independent sentences to retain their autonomy, yet to be connected through a unique connector (the semicolon), which continually declares their relationship to each other.

The ceremony of B'rit Ahuvim, with its roots in partnership law, mediates between the partners' needs for autonomy and their needs for interdependence. (p. 192) It is the semicolon of marriage ceremonies.

The B'rit Ahuvim is based on the halachic process of forming a partnership and embodies the three elements of partnership law, which are:

• A partnership deed. Although from the tenth century on, verbal agreement has been to have been more usual.
• A statement of personal undertaking in which the partners committed themselves to certain acts on behalf of the partnership.
• A kinyan or symbolic acquisition of the partnership. An ancient legal gesture for partnership acquisition was for each partner to put a sum into one pouch and lift it together. (p.193)

The B'rit Ahuvim ceremony contains many of the traditional wedding elements, with a few major differences, which will be explained by the Rabbi.

Ceremony order for B'rit Ahuvim:

Private pre-wedding ceremony with immediate family and wedding party:

• Welcome by Rabbi

• Blessing by parents

• Vow to support, love and listen by friends and family

• Signing of b'rit document by couple, witnesses and Rabbi. This document is distinct from a ketubah. It is a covenant between equals, and its terms include the couple's exclusive commitment to each other as well as to the continuity of the Jewish people and tikkun olam, the repair of the world. The document is written in Hebrew and English. Click Here to Read B'rit Document

• Traditional words of blessing by Rabbi

Wedding Ceremony

• Procession to the huppah (traditional)

• Mi adir al ha-kol welcome and blessing for the couple (traditional)

• Speech by Rabbi including an explanation of the service (traditional)

• Blessing of the wine (similar to the tradition but not followed by erusin blessing)

• Reading of the b'rit document (similar to ketubah reading)

• Kinyan, acquisition of the partnership. Each partner places an object in the bag. The object may either be one of monetary value, signifying the pooling of economic resources, or something of personal value, symbolizing what they bring to the relationship on another level. The couple may choose to explain what they have placed in the bag. They then lift the bag together and recite the blessing in Hebrew and English: "Blessed are you Source of Life who remembers your covenant and is faithful to your covenant and keeps your word." Some couples choose to put rings in the bag and at this point put them on.

• Sheva Berachot seven blessings (traditional)

• Shattering of the glass (traditional)

• Yichud Immediately after the ceremony the couple takes a few moments in a private room. Traditionally this is symbolic of the beginning of their lives as a married couple. It also gives the couple a few quiet moments to absorb their new relationship. (traditional)

On March 23, 2003 Rabbi Korngold and her husband Jeff Finkelstein were married using the ceremony of Brit Ahuvim.

photo courtesy of Shari Regenbogen, Click Photo Studio

- To read their covenant document, click here
- To read about the wedding click here

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